Aggressive not angry…

I have no anger issues. However social situations are so complicated and frustrating that I need something I am good at to use to escape. I tell no one anything so I get called mysterious and everyone wants to know more.

I cannot handle people knowing more! I end up doing something crazy or violent to get things back into my comfort zone! Sometimes I will just punch a friend, or if a stranger is kicking off I will go to them. Luckily I have friends that will just punch me back so there’s no long lasting drama!

I always feel like a d**k after, but I feel like I have to be in control, not of anyone else, just myself. I hate that people want to get to know me deeper. I know its what people do etc but my only defence mechanism is not to. They ask why I’m angry and aggressive and I have to explain that I’m not angry…just aggressive sometimes.

Does anyone else do this?

I’m going to start MMA again. Think its needed.

So many grey areas!

So Amy spent a lot of our relationship making me question myself and if I didn’t do exactly as she said she would say about how I “never listen” to her even when a minor detail wasn’t as she had said.

At one point Amy started persuading me to let her get a loan for me for £6000 to pay off some things with less interest quicker etc, in the process, however this would increase my monthly outgoings considerably. I raised my concerns and actually said no because if I couldn’t pay I didn’t want her to be in a bad position. She did it regardless.

Next I needed a new car. I was going to get a reasonably priced second hand car, she told me to go to some car auction. I have ADHD and am impulsive as hell, I brought a Toyota Prius without even looking at it. She blamed me because I hadn’t followed her instructions etc whilst there, but if it was up to me I would’ve already had a good car! It went wrong and she lent me the money to fix it.

She now is demanding the money back, and I never usually borrow money, but not being in control of my own finances and choices just messed everything up. I don’t always make the best choices but the whole time she was making me do things her way, she was just pushing me into worse situations. Now I have to pay for the loan, the money I owe her, and my child maintenance every month. About £600, I know I shouldn’t have listened to her, but whenever I don’t she goes so crazy about it and I don’t want to make bad situations with lil Warrior.

I was doing Amazon delivery after work to make up the extra money to pay her but someone hit my wing mirror meaning I’m not allowed to do that right now! I’ve sent her everything I have, but I’m £130 short and she’s not answering to let me talk to my Warrior and just sent a message saying “this is not ok.”

I try so hard to please everyone so much and I am just so sick of how she knows how to create these situations so easily. I told her so many times I didn’t want to get the loan in case this happened and she just said don’t worry etc, and now there’s issues with it she’s acting like I’m the worst person.

Is It The Same If A Woman Does It?

I feel like if I were to treat a woman this way I would be stopped from seeing my son and most likely arrested? Am I missing something?

I’m currently writing this full of adrenaline about the next message I’m about to get. The last one was

“Can I ask you a question?”

On Saturday night, Amy was going out so I said I would put the warrior to bed and wait until she got home. She has been pressuring me to stay over a lot recently so when she got home I explained 3 reasons I was not comfortable to stay.

1. “You have an issue with me locking the door when I use the bathroom.”

2. “You have an issue if I don’t get changed in front of you.”

3. “If I say I don’t want to do sexual things with you, you either push me to do them or get mad at me if I don’t.”

I explained that I’m not trying to limit what she does, hence why we were having that conversation at 1am before I drove home when it would honestly be so much simpler to just stay.

She said she understood but the next day called me angry saying everything was one sided and about how the reasons I gave make her feel. She brought up my previous relationship and said “You say you don’t like those things but you made me this way.”

She’s nice to me one moment and then acts like I’m the devil the next. I feel sick right now and have no idea how to break away from it!

Just needed to get it off my chest.

Let Me Set a Few Things Straight

Before we start, I am under the assumption this will not be read by many. The title of my blog would probably put me off reading a blog, so not expecting anything different! ‘Baby Mama Drama,’ or ‘Baby Mama’ are both terms I Never use in real life, and I speak with the utmost respect about the situation at all times to everyone I know. This is my place to be free and actually say what’s on my mind for once. All names have been changed. Throughout this blog there will be mentions of all types of abuse as well as racial issues and mental health. Just a disclaimer.

LET’S START.

I started talking to someone on an undisclosed dating site…actually it was POF…can’t give too much away from that I suppose. We spoke for a couple of weeks or it could’ve been a couple of months; ADHD= zero concept of time! We decided to meet one fateful night (That sounded mad dramatic and I may use it again), and we went for a drive. That was it. Between a few days and a month later (shh) she invited me to her house to watch Batman. I have since been told that this was probably an invite to hook up, but I have zero clues about social cues and assumed Batman meant Batman. IT TURNS OUT SHE HAD OTHER INTENTIONS.

In case you didn’t guess, we had sex. Main points of interest are as follows:

• Clock fell on my head causing a cut on my forehead
• The condom broke

She agreed to get the morning after pill (lets call her Amy for the sake of this blog), but she didn’t seem in too much of a rush! I feel like this is so obvious right now, but a couple of weeks later I get a text message.

“We need to meet up”

“Why?”

“Why do you think.” (Notice the full stop instead of a question mark? IT ANNOYS THE HELL OUT OF ME AND SHE DOES IT EVERY TIME.)

“You’re pregnant?!”

“Yup”

So I call…

“Just hitting the gym. Talk later.”

WHAT?!?!?!?!?

It was a really grey rainy morning, there’s no way this could’ve happened on a birds chirping, sun shining kinda day huh? I literally laid in bed for anywhere between 5 minutes and 2 hours feeling numb as hell. I’d literally met her twice and now she’s pregnant. Started googling about do i have to marry her etc?

So a bit of time passes and I say I’m not ready for a child (I was due to be moving to Australia in the coming months!) and essentially say I think we should go for an abortion. She agrees, but we get to the abortion clinic and she changes her mind. I generally hate the idea of abortion anyway so I would never have pressured her, but I felt like my whole world had ended. This was also a grey rainy day, just saying. It was also October time so that could’ve swayed the weather slightly.

Next significant bit of info…I have been told I’m autistic too. No one would ever know by talking to me etc, but when you get to know my life you can see it. Everything and everyone is in boxes in my head (I will explain more about this later) basically boxes can’t touch or overlap or my world will end. Now Amy is saying if i don’t tell my family she will write a letter. I fully understand this now but I literally got to the point of suicidal trying to deal with this. Finally at 7 months into the pregnancy I had been listening to a book called ‘Sun Stand Still’ by Steven Furtick about making things happen. I was in the gym and between sets I get my phone out and write,

“Mum I was with someone before and now she’s pregnant. Sorry.”

I finished my set, took my phone out again, counted to 3 and pressed send. Then proceeded to go and hyperventilate in the toilets. She replied…

“OK love don’t worry talk to you later xxx”

The relief was crazy. I spoke to her on the phone later and she was a bit shocked that it had been 7 months but just felt bad that I had dealt with it alone for so long. MUM GOALS RIGHT THERE.

About 6 months in, I met a woman, let’s call her Amy 2…joking…how about Hannah?That works! Hannah was so supportive and helped me a lot. We went on amazing dates together, prayed together, and it was amazing. (More about Hannah later but just building the full story)

About 9 months into the pregnancy, my son was born. We will just call him Warrior. I was dreading having a child up until the moment I met him and loved him unconditionally from that moment and have never looked back.

So that is where this journey begins. I will be 100% open and honest about the part I’ve played in everything, I’m far from perfect, but i can say I’m a boss at being a Dad.

The story will continue in the next couple of days!